Five Popular Functional Alcoholics

Don Draper (and most of the staff of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce) is not just a drink-at-home alcoholic, but also drink-at-work and drink-at-children’s-birthday-parties alcoholic. They do it in style (except for Fred Rumsen), with classic cocktails of whiskey and martinis, while dressed to the nines. With all this boozing, it’s no wonder they have so much trouble holding on to accounts and showing up for work on time, if at all.


The How I Met Your Mother gang may not have sunk to the drink-at-work level of alcoholism, but they do seem to spend all of their free time in the same bar, unless they’re drinking at Ted’s apartment. It’s rare to see them without a beer or scotch in hand. How they can afford their bar tab at MacLaren’s with their burgeoning careers is a question for another day.


Jack Sparrow is fueled mostly by rum. His insatiable thirst regularly gets him in trouble and keeps him stumbling around with slurred speech. When he asks “Why is the rum gone?” the answer will most likely be because he drank it. He’s even willing to drink rum out of a fellow pirate’s peg leg, which is really the grossest thing imaginable.


The Cul-De-Sac Crew from Cougar Town not only drinks a lot, they do it with an impressive amount of variety and at any time of day. Although they stick mostly to wine, they’re not afraid to drink it from a candle holder, Big Carl, or during a rousing game of Penny Can. It must be hard to hold down jobs with the amount of sitting around and day drinking they do, yet they can all afford to go to Hawaii at the drop of a hat.  They are truly living the dream


Although Bender requires alcohol to power his fuel cells, he drinks far more than necessary. In fact, if Bender does not drink, he begins to act like a drunk human. This boozing may be responsible for his flaming belches, belligerent attitude, and whore mongering, but who can tell for sure?

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